When you feel it.. you’ll know.

When you really feel it, you’ll know how people fall in love. It’s overwhelming when it happens, as if your entire soul has woken up to pay attention.  I’ve felt it there, this place that I’ve claimed as mine.  Its walls whisper the songs of generations standing upon the shoulders of others and all reaching up to the heavens. It welcomes me each with warm comforting arms like a mother with a child to her breast.  I want to be there and soak it all in for as long as I can.

There are times when I slip away from the conversations of others and the gathered groups to slide into the isle of the sanctuary and close my eyes to feel the spirit of this hall wash over me. My eyes close as I allow the calm and quiet in.  It is there I am able to hear so much better. Do you talk with your Highest One or do you recite the prayers printed on the paper tablets with no thought or meaning simply because that is what you are required to do?  When you talk, do you take time to listen and wait for the answer or are you so ready to be finished with this duty that you don’t have time to listen to the conversation?  There, I sit and I wait. I hold this time dear and in the silence I feel as if the conversation is as beautiful as any song ever heard.  I have my own way, as I assume you have yours.  My relationship with Them isn’t a difficult one, well.. not anymore.  We have passed that stage now and we have recovered from the time when we did not speak with each other, left behind the days when neither of us liked what the other had to say, and moved to a time of peace as a child does with a parent when you let go your rebellion and accept that perhaps you weren’t right after all.

At first I wasn’t sure, stepping through the doors and waiting for something to prove to me that I didn’t belong there.  I wasn’t one of them, a stranger to the customs even after witnessing them from other temples and various family gatherings. I was not against them; in fact I had fallen in love with the faith through my husband’s inspiring conveyance of his beliefs.  He had become my teacher and together we found that we weren’t that far apart in beliefs, we had common ideas and came to enjoy new ideas together. But as our daughter grew older and we wanted to find a place for her to attend religious school, we knew we needed to find a structure for her.  Those first few days and months weren’t easy.  It wasn’t the people, they didn’t know me and had no reason to get to know me, and they had their own problems.  I gave in to the idea that this was just how it was, no need to worry about it.  I spent as little time there as I had to.  Drop off, pick up, on and on. I stayed away from the negativity and kept my ears out of the gossip.

I can’t say exactly when it happened, sort of taking it’s time.  I know that the first days began with a new voice speaking of change and reaching out and extending a smile. He was trying hard but still trying to figure this place out the same as I was. There was so much going against him; few wanted what he was trying to offer.  I related to that feeling of being and outsider, I gave him a chance and was rewarded by his kind smile and silly jokes.  But honestly I still wasn’t there.. wasn’t ready.

When you feel it.. you’ll know.  The spirit of faith returned to the synagogue and moved through the halls like The Bride seeking her Beloved, but it took time and change.  When I felt it, I knew.. the Spirit was returning to the halls and it danced with the Cantor and laughed with the Rabbi, it could not be missed as it swept through the halls.  She was here, pulling the willing to her breast to sooth the hurt of those who were ready to give up their pain to her. He knew the answers if one were ready to hear his advice. I was both, ready to let go of my hurt and accept change.

Sometimes change is painful, it is letting go of the past and accepting that there are better things in store for the future. There will always be a few who hold on to that pain and anger so tightly and refuse to allow the change to rinse over them and wash away all of that. They hold on and generate new anger at those who want the change to heal.  But it’s ok, I know that they are just human too. I can only say that this is MY safe place, MY temple, and I want to be part of this beautiful thing.  We are strong when we learn to forgive and be patient.  That however doesn’t mean that we have to take the anger on our own, we don’t have to be pushed around by those who have forgotten how to be polite. 

I am ready for a little happiness and I have found a place where I belong.  I love walking into this place and feeling the joy that comes from the people who have chosen to accept the return of the Spirit of Judaism to our synagogue.

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Thoughts about living with Lyme Disease

Living with Chronic Lyme Disease is sort of like living with the Mad Hatter.  You never know what you are going to wake up with, what’s going to be thrown at you, or when you are going to suddenly feel like you have been stomped on. Some days are just fine, the aches and pains are part of the landscape, but it’s manageable and you can move through it quickly.  Other days the weight of waking up in the morning feels like a heavy wet blanket that tries to push you back down and force your eyes closed, not out of comfort but out of exhaustion.

I have come to have an understanding with my disease and work with it like a friend instead of my enemy.  I try to understand it and listen when it needs to vent, and in return it gives me days off.  Except it’s a selfish friend and it chooses which days I take off and they are rarely the ones I would have asked for. Yet I know I could have worse friends and living with Lyme isn’t horrible, just a bit exhausting.

For the most part, Lyme and I work together. I see my Chiropractor once or twice a month now to keep my body in better flow and go through physical therapy to condition my muscles and bones to handle the stress of the pain and inflammation. My Chiropractor moves through each area of my body and addresses areas where the Lyme has moved in and settled the fluids and muscle tension, then works to release the tension and readjust the area so I can move better. Once a month I have a massage done to go back to those areas that are especially painful and try to get my muscles to release and relax, reset the pain sensors in the area, and just for a few minutes enjoy the pleasant sensations instead of feeling the aches. Acupuncture works when the other treatments just aren’t enough.  Honestly I have no idea why the needles work, I only know that for the rest of the day I can feel that area feeling energized and healthy again and the pain usually moves to a new area.

Medication is difficult for most Lyme patients.  We don’t handle meds well and the bacteria fights anything it feels as a threat.  When I have to go through antibiotic treatments, I really feel like my body just wants to die.  It’s sick, it hurts, it feels so depressed that it wants nothing more than to just give up.  That’s the “Herxing” a herx occurs between 3-4 days after the introduction of a new drug.  And in that time, the bacteria fights against you in the worst ways, sending messages to your brain that are both confusing and painful.  Those are the days when you just want to sleep on the couch watching the Food Network all day.  I try not to give in to them, but they suck.  “Herxing” happens too when you are actually on the right track and growing healthier.  Your immune system starts fighting the bacteria harder and causing the die off in the bacteria.  Then the mean little monsters start fighting back. Right now the only meds I am on are for my tremors and body vibrations.  Thankfully the dose is low, but enough to keep the tremors down.  It does however ruin my stomach and makes eating a dreaded event, one would think I would have lost a ton of weight since I hate eating.. however my friends the Lymes make sure that won’t happen and have a little talk to my Adrenal glands to make sure the weight always stays on.

Lyme sucks, but its not the end of the world.. it’s just a new world that you have to constantly learn to live in. Some days you are no different from anyone else and other days you feel like nobody can relate to what you are going through.  Just hang in there, Lyme has cycles and when it’s at it’s worst, like a roller coaster, it will have to come back down eventually.  But for now.. I just want a nap and a remote.

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The Attack Virus from Hell

Last week as I was writing my blog for the day, I was researching about time-saving ideas and trying to come up with something more interesting to say about it other than.. it’s a waste of time and yet I still do it daily.  I found few sites and I was just about to publish when I realized that my computer had suddenly began to fill with pop-ups.  Oh no.. a virus.

Quickly my computer launched into action and began throwing up the defenses and trying to fend off the dreaded virus that I must have acquired in searching the web.  My first fear was that the blog post that I had written and saved contained the image that contained the virus and anyone who read my blog would also come under attack.  So I deleted the whole blog post and started shutting down windows. Ugh, what a horrible waste of time!

But that wouldn’t be the greatest frustration.. that would come after hours of fighting the virus, thinking that it had wiped out all of my data only to find it hidden and just feeling pretty annoyed. 

So, to my readers.. here’s a tip. Be careful where you are hunting for info on the web, not everything is as it seems and those jerks who made my virus were hiding in the lamest places.

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She didn’t know…

 

I don’t think she meant to do it, she didn’t know it would last forever. She had this amazing laugh that when she started at the wrong time, milk would come out your nose. I don’t blame her, never really did.  But when it was the worst, I didn’t understand why she did nothing to stop it either. That’s what best friends were supposed to do, wasn’t it? But then how could she have known that the way her friends treated me was so cruel that at night all I prayed for as I said my prayers was that maybe that night, God would just let me die in my sleep and I wouldn’t have to wake up to go to school again.  She couldn’t have known that when she laughed when the other girls put gum in my hair and threw things at me, that she hurt me deeper than their cruelty.  She was only 12.

He couldn’t have known that every time he told the gym class we were going to be playing baseball I felt my soul want to throw up. It was the only sport at that time that both girls and boys played together and I am sure he didn’t understand how horrible it felt to be the last one standing, waiting for someone to please call your name for a team.  Looking at each of the other kids standing there with their team of chosen friends laughing and watching the “Captain” trying to look around to see if there was anyone else on the planet he could pick besides me.  I usually tried to make him feel better by saying it was ok, I had a headache or some other appropriate illness that would require the coach to let me sit on the bench and watch as the other kids raced around the bases. It was much better there than the days when forced kickball was inflicted on me and there was no hiding on the bench, but just standing there waiting for the balls to come hurling at your head.  It was going to happen and you just had to brace yourself for that huge red rubber ball to come knock the wind out of you.  He couldn’t have known that from then on, I hated sports, hated gym class, and would avoid it at all costs.. it would lead my body to gather weight and spurn on even more teasing from the kids and a deeper loathing of living.. God was cruel for not letting me die.  He was just doing his job, being a teacher.

Some don’t come for help; they sit and watch the world silently. They see the world as a place that just keeps getting worse and there’s no hope of it ever getting better, this is it.  Sometimes trying to hide the pain behind laughter, pushing it all away down deep inside a book that will take you away to some other place where nobody calls you “The Fat Girl” or holds their nose when you walk by. The ones who hurt the deepest don’t want to hurt anyone else, they don’t want to bother parents or grandparents by letting them know how dark their world really is.  They don’t want to cause anyone else to look at them and smother them with reasons of why “Kids can be cruel” or advice on letting it “roll off your back” because if it were that easy, we would have thought of it already, nobody thinks as much as we do.

Some don’t come back from that dark place, they let it become who they are and consume them. They find ways of making the hurt go away, making the laughter of others sound funny, they push that sick feeling up front and use it as fuel for their anger against the world. There are others however that just realize, God will never let this end.. and take matters into their own hands.

She didn’t know it would get better; that someday she would feel so wanted that she’d wish for time for herself just to think. She had no idea that when your best friend suddenly wasn’t anymore and you felt so alone that nothing could ever make it better, that one day she’d understand what her daughter was going through and sit with her head in her lap and stroke her hair and just listen. That girl had no idea that if she hadn’t woke up, she’d never love so deeply that her eyes would fill with tears of happiness more often than sadness. She just felt so alone and wanted just to be picked for something.  She just waited, endured pain after pain, grew stronger with each stupid joke and found her inner strength in the strangest places. She grew up, learned to love herself and was then loved by others.

It does get better, I promise.  I know the hurt is so strong right now that you just want to pull away and leave it all behind.  There’s no other thought but to want to retreat to the safety of your own backyard where you know nobody will taunt you and knock you down.  But those days will pass, you will find your voice and learn to sing your own song.  And if you need someone to pick you, I will.. you can always be on my team because you are beautiful.

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